I'd like to all take use are time out just to read my story, I am not doing this for people to feel sorry for me or anything like that, I'm doing it for two reasons one to raise awareness for people to know their not alone and two because it can be some form of therapy for myself, I am not ashamed to talk about it and that's progress for me because before I wouldn't have been able to talk about it.
I was born in a large town In Ireland, I was mixed race half black and half white therefore I was a tanned colour. That was nineteen years ago so when I was born nobody of another colour was in my town so people stared and didn't really like me even do I was just a baby/child. By then I was too young to understand it was when I grew up I got it.
So the time came I had started primary school, everything was great I can't remember any different I was too young. As I got older I could then hear the talking and whispering because not only was I of a different colour I wasn't a skinny child either. I wasn't one of those people who had a load of friends I had one or too and now when I think back I don't know if I would have called them friends. They gave me attention when they felt like it most of the time I was left alone but I didn't see this as a problem I continued to laugh and smile even do deep down I craved to be wanted.
As I got to my teenage years I began to hang outside with the other teenagers as they began there love lives I was left there to watch, because no guy wanted me I was fat and ugly and a different colour, as they said. But still I never talked about it I pretended I was fine. I had a great sense of humour so it was easy for me to hide behind a smile and laughter even if I was dying inside.
My father wasn't around so I only had my mother and grandparents, although me and my mom didn't really get along I lived with my nanny who I worshipped I loved her so much words can't express, she was always there when I needed her, she cared for me so much. I still continued to be alone with only one friend, which I didn't mind we did get along so well and I was happy for once. That all drifted away soon tho we came are own person and went our separate ways. Then in 2009 the worst thing possible happened, After my nanny went through a chest xray where she was getting pain, I found out she had cancer, it had spread to her heart and they doctors gave her two months if not less. I didn't cry I was in shock and just didn't believe it was happening. Even my family said louise your so strong how are you not crying, I just smiled. Deep down I was screaming. My nanny died 6 months later. I didn't cry at her funeral either I don't know why I just didn't.
The mother who I didn't get along with I had to move in with, it was ok at the start we became the best of friends, I loved my mom. Then at 15 I met my first ever boyfriend , life was great I had friends, boyfriend great relationship with my mom I thought things where finally getting better. Then my mom met a guy who hated me and he turned my mom against me too indirectly. So my boyfriend said lets move out so they won't be treating you like this any longer, he was great at the time. So we moved out and everything was great at the start, then he started to control me he wouldn't let me go out and choose who I would hang around with, he even started calling me names, my confidence dropped and I was terrified of him so I did what I was told. He even stopped me from going to my mams house to visit my brothers and sisters. All this was going on and I continued to smile I pretended everything was great! :/
Then about a year and a half later my moods began to change, I became such an angry person, I had a bad attitude and I cried almost everyday for no reasons, if someone said boo I would run away and cry. I didn't want to be on this earth any more. Then I began my relationship with a razor, I began to cut myself, It was like I was stuck in a black hole with nowhere to go, my mom didn't care about me I had no father, my nanny was dead and my boyfriend laughed at me and didn't care I felt so alone. My college started to notice changes in me they asked and I disagreed, I was fine I said when I really wasn't. Then the Anxiety came, I didn't want to go outside because I felt like everyone was talking about me, I began to hear voices that screamed at me calling me names so my self harm become worse, I even stopped taking care of myself. I felt like a zombie, like I was trapped, like someone was controlling me I couldn't control my emotions, I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to die, So I took some tablets, to end my life. they didn't work and I was still here :/
After a year and a half of going through this, I picked up all the strength and talked to my college tutor about what I was going through. She sent me to a counsellor who later said it was better I saw a psychiatrist so I did, they said I was fine but they wanted me to see a self harm nurse, I knew I wasn't fine. Then after about 10 visits to the self harm nurse she agreed that I needed to see a psychiatrist again so I did, he then gave me medication, medication I would have to be on for the rest of my life most likely, because I kept my emotions in for so long the broke down and now I was unable to control them so I needed medication to do it for me, They diagnosed me with a Borderline Personality Disorder.
I'm now on the road to recovery, I won't say everything's fine and I'm really happy, I do slip up and relapse but I'm better and one day I will learn to control my emotions. So I do say to everyone please talk to someone no matter how small the problem is, deal with it before it gets worse <3 there is someone out there who will always listen <3
Thank you for reading my story :)
=oh the irony. this was going to be hopelessly boring. glaring at her
father as he literally escorted her to the limousine with a hint of force. his
strong british accent reminding her of her status and her appearance be it
short or not would be honoring his queen of england. bound by his duties,
he returned the glare with a smile, knowing he would get his way=
“You will go to this gala. You will present your self to every stiff shirt that flashes a lighter at those nasty cigarettes of yours. You will drown in champagne and caviar. You will donate riches to our Queen and cause and smile through it all. =stopping to open the limo door himself= Be it a fake smile or not. Now get in and mind your father!”
=his tone was one she could deal with on most days. but when it came to appearing upon the queen of england’s request, she made no further argument and slid in the long black car and cursed him in her mind the whole way there=
=she had taken a deep breath before entering the gala with the hopes of making her appearance for the donation she would generously make and leave before the paparazzi noticed their limo had even arrived. however; no sooner had she gathered in the outdoor setting of the so called stiff shirts and black gowns, it hit her. giving her father another glare, knowing bloody well she was stuck here through the duration of the event, she sat herself at the marked table she was escorted to, and yes, as soon as she withdrew the cigarette from the steal casing with the vel reece crest carefully embedded on the front, a squadron of penguins surrounded her with flashes of small flames=
=she rolled her eyes not caring if they saw no enthusiasm in her fake smile. nodding politely, she grinned wickedly and took her own lighter from her small black clutch purse and showing it to them all, lit her own cigarette.=
“Now puppies. I’m a big girl now. See, I can light it on my own. But I do thank the efforts of your pack in the endeavors.”
=she drew in a large drag and with her ruby perched lips, let it out slowly, noticing another glare from her father=
=ace enterprises was on the rise with its hidden agenda safe behind the import/export services it rendered to the world. the von crux name becoming a well renowned and well known name. the countess; single by choice; entered the room of monkey suits and ball gowns with her head held high. many had come to the gala through invitation only. only the richest and well known to do's were here. the benefit supporting the local collages and educational establishments. much, much more then just the performing arts, but a well balanced account for the lesser communities struggling to keep their doors open for their students=
=the stiff shirts and their tight ties lingered around her. a compromise to the young men who had no clue with whom they were truly dealing with. as a countess and only heir to her adopted father's illustriousness bank account, the adopted daughter of lord corbin vel reece, she had succeeded his teachings and was more well off then he could have ever imagined. proud of her, he was the first to greet her. his kilt with the cloth of his heritage, he never went to a major event without it. he said it brought prestige to the boring events. his warm kiss on her cheek and she knew he had a crowd of men he wanted her to meet=
=how she dreaded the thought as the first crowd of up coming entrepreneurs surrounded her. wine glasses handed to her from no where with greetings of how much of an honor it was to have been invited. she listened to the unnecessary chattered of the men who stood no chance with her and ace, but offered the usual promising smiles her father warned her to bring with her=
"Cater to their ambitions Shikia, amuse them. Win them over. Then show them no mercy. For the good of all man kind if not for the good of your father."
=she had smiled at his whisper, usual words he would give her before taking himself to mingle with other guests. but all in all, as she pulled the cigarette from her case and an inferno of lighters dazzled her eyes with an internal flame of deception, as she lit her own cigarette and stood amused and content that she would seek no ones attention that hindered on the age of innocence. but craved the burning fire of intrigue, adventure and a new addition to her trophy case=